S: Stationary bike seats
Stationary bike seats are so crap. Probably the crappest of all that is crap. I fear that they will, ultimately, be the death of me. And my gooch. Since I started spinning classes I have had to make the difficult decision of choosing between a tighter backside, and bearing children. I suppose since that first day I mounted that cruel, hard seat, I waved goodbye to my unborn children and any chance of future happiness. Really though, my gooch will never be the same. I thought I would pass away in the 5th session that I attended, and so I announced to my boyfriend that I would never sit on a bike seat again, even getting to the point where I had decided that I would never teach my unborn children to ride a bike (that's if I could have children, given the damage that bike did). To which he gave a sly grin (some might call it a leer) and produced a "gel pack" bike seat cover that he explained slipped so smoothly over the bike seat and made it feel like I was sitting on a pillow that was made from 5000 thread count Egyptian cotton and stuffed with the finest, sweetest, softest thing you can imagine. I would like to say Ryan Gosling's face. But thats not for here... So I took it with me as I braved another spinning class, tucked under my arm discretely so that nobody thought I was a "nancy boy", and I have never looked back! It changed the stationary bike seat from a mortal enemy to a dear friend, and I can only suggest that you invest in the same to make your life that much more fantastic.
PS. I sincerely do not understand how men cope with spinning classes, if anybody has any feedback on this, please contact me.
T: Toilet paper that is that little bit too far behind you.
I recently went to the toilet at a very fancy restaurant and was appalled at the state of the toilets! Not only did they have some kind of flusher technology that caused the toilet to flush when it detected movement in the bowl (which left me with urine and water splashing up on my behind in midstream, not to mention a mild chaffe that followed), but it also had the toilet roll dispenser placed just out of reach behind me. God that is so annoying. It was placed in a position that was about 5cm too far behind you, so that you physically had to turn around to reach it, and risk falling off the seat at the same time. Ghastly. I really hate that. It was like the person who fixed it to the wall had freakishly long ape arms which he swung behind him so easily to grab a couple squares of tp. What an asshole.
U: Unwelcome guests
There is always that friend that you have, that has another friend, who knows another friend, who always brings along his uncle. To your house. And he doesn't ever bring beers. And he never wants to leave. He just wants to sit on your couch until the early hours of the morning reminiscing in a creepy fashion about the way your friend's mom looked before she had kids and drinking all your booze. How does one get rid of an unwelcome guest? There really is no direct way! Even if you are as direct as "Please leave now", they think you are being funny and coy and that, in fact, you are asking them to get you another drink, and help themself to one while they're there. Hate those unwelcome guests.
V: Vending machines
They are way too expensive. And no matter what you say, you have, at one point, witnessed your Fritos get stuck in the final coil of the dispenser and lost your temper in a way that caused a great embarassment to you and your loved ones.
W: Waiters with attitude
I have a healthy respect for waiters. I myself have waitered my fair share of tables and so I treat them well, and tip them how I see fit. Having said that, it really grates my tits when a waiter has attitude and does not stick to the wise old saying that "the customer is always right". I once encountered one of these waiters at a restaurant with my family. My sister ordered ribs, and I ordered a steak. When we received our food, I got ribs, as did my sister. Politely, I called the waiter over and said "I'm sorry sir, I didn't order ribs, I ordered a steak." To which I expected him to humbly apologise and bring me my real meal. I was completely taken aback when he hissed at me "No you didn't! You ordered ribs!" "Um, no I really didn't. I ordered the steak. I don't even like ribs." To which he replied, "You definately ordered the ribs. I don't care what you say." Okkaaay then....I politely asked to speak to the manager, to whom I retold the story. He obviously had a firm word with the waiter and told him to come back to apologise. He dragged his feet over to our table, sulking like a teenage bitch, and said "I apologise for speaking to you like that. Your meal will be on the house." I replied with a gratious "Thank you" and gave him a smile. That obviously pissed him off because he ended the conversation with "But I'm still right, you definately ordered the ribs", before he turned on his heel and stormed off. Thanks for ruining the entire evening bro, and possibly the rest of the year.
Has anybody ever watched "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding"? Refer to Part 3 if you have not. By Jove it is a sight to behold. I have never seen anything like it! Children as young as 8 years old getting spray tans, highlights in their hair, and wearing high heels. Im not even talking about the jelly-shoe type high heel. Im talking stilettos. Bloody Hell I didn't know where to look!! Apparently for special occasions (such as a Christening or a confirmation, where, if I am not mistaken, you are presented before the eyes of God) the Gypsies like to dress their offspring in gaudy crop tops and mini-skirts, or some kind of skin tight unitard with holes in all the wrong places. They then proceed to recreate the Christina Aguilera "Dirty" music video on the dance floor of the Church Hall which they have hired out. The Gypsies also claim that sex is not allowed before marriage. I find that extremely hard to believe whilst watching the baby prostitues gyrating before my eyes at the tender age of 6.
Y: YOLO
If there was ever an American turn of phrase that pissed me off the most, it is this one. YOLO. Apparently standing for You Only Live Once. I don't see the point of shortening that phrase to an annoying acronym. Unless you are taking your "only living once" so seriously that you do not, in fact, have enough time and or breathe to blurt out the entire phrase. Wow your life must be pretty darn exciting if you find yourself constantly on the edge shouting "YOLO!!!!!" Twitter has opened my eyes to this phenomenon, because just about every teen "humour" account turns very unhumourous when they start tweeting things like "hiring a stretch Hummer for my prom 'cos YOLO!!" or "Wearing these killer heels tonight 'cos YOLO!" or "drove over a cat today 'cos YOLO!!". Thank you for shouting that in my face, because, up until you shouted that in my face, I thought we lived twice. Or atleast 3 times. Really? I think you've had enough YOLO for one day. Time to go to sleep now cos YOLO. (honestly how ridiculous and incomplete does that sound? Go away annoying teenager.)
Z: Z-list celebrities
Exhibit A: ex-SABC presenter and has-been, Kuli Roberts. A small extract from the City Press about the attack on Kuli Roberts by Trevor Noah at the Steve Hofmeyer Roast gives insight to the sadness that is this sad Z-list celebrity, who is purely well known for being a skank and an idiot.
"McSlutty, I’m glad you’re sober enough to join us,” he said to her, before having a go at a controversial column on coloured women that saw Roberts fired from Sunday World last year.
After that, she was repeatedly lampooned for being a nymphomaniac, a cocaine junkie and an alcoholic, with multiple references to her vagina"
Shame...should've seen that one coming...
