A comprehensive guide to all that is crap. Part one

Is it just me, or are a lot of things very crap? An A-Z of the crappest things around.


A: Adverts for life insurance

• Thanks for reminding me about my imminent death, but I'd rather spend my money while I am alive, thank you kindly for your concern.
• Also, does nobody watch CSI? Do you not know that life insurance is always the motive for murder? Well, that, and a love-scorned crime of passion. The bottom line is that I'd rather not be murdered though for the money that I cant enjoy.

"Lets kill that tight- assed rat bastard and life off his life insurance, Mom! Oooohhh Yeah!!"

B: buying petrol, electricity and toilet paper

• There is nothing worse than spending your hard earned money on things that you actually cannot go without. I DESPISE spending money on petrol, but I had to learn the hard way about how you actually cannot go without it...particularly if your job is 8km away and it rains a lot. And how suddenly everybody who wants to give you a lift has now become a potential rapist.
• Buying electricity is even worse, as apparently there's not much you can do without it. I am stubborn when it comes to these things but I have only recently discovered that my stubbornness is a bit ridiculous. It was pointed out to me how silly I am when my boyfriend came home to find sitting in the complete darkness, drinking a glass of room temperature water and watching a blank TV. "Hey, um, what are you doing?", "Nothing", "Um, yes, I see that, why are you doing nothing?", "I didn't feel like buying electricity", "I see..."
• But out of all of these buying toilet paper is the worst. Because this is something you REALLY cant do without. I instead prefer to steal it in multiple quantities from my place of work. I've even created a scenario in my head about what I'll do should I be discovered. It's a work and progress though, it's not ready to be revealed yet. The greatest success of all is when my boyfriend returns home from the SS with a sports bag full to the brim with 2-ply toilet paper. We're a great team.

C: Crap DJ's

• I recently attended a string of weddings, where I got too drunk and twisted my ankle. But that is irrelevant. What is relevant, however, is the crapocity of the DJ which provided nothing but "Lurrv jams" from start to finish. Apparently he even asked the bridal couple what sort of music they liked and went about making them a play list, only to shut the door of decency in their face and play Bee Gees and commercialised pop the entire night on "their special day". To make matters worse, the DJ played at 2 out of 3 of the weddings,  and bloody nearly 3 out of 3 (had I not intervened). This DJ was not only useless at life, he messed up the bridal couple's first dance, tripped out all the lights in the venue, failed to provide a stable dance floor and last, but not least, bought a monkey to a wedding. The monkey was wearing a diaper. And I saw the DJ's "lady friend" (although I'm not sure "lady" is the appropriate word) change the monkey's diaper on the bar. I also saw the monkey bite a small child and it was probably the reason for the rabies (as well as HIV/AIDS) outbreak in South Africa. 

D: Drivers who think it's ok not to use their indicators and who sneak past you into the parking you were waiting for.

• This is the ultimate of all that is crap. You know it's going to happen when you have been waiting very patiently for a very old, partially blind geriatric to do a 60 point turn to get out of their parking space. Just as you are about to pull in, some asshole wearing sunglasses in an undercover parking area, driving a generic sports car screams into the parking space, blaring his music and grinning at you apologetically. No, it's not ok, you shit stain. Just wait till I find another parking spot. On top of your car. You pig.

E: Examinations

• "Hey, you think you're smart? You think you're clever there buddy? Why don't I set you straight with a past paper from 100 years ago that clearly contains content which I told you not to learn. Ha. Who's the smart one now?"

F: Food poisoning

• Wow food poisoning is crap. My dear friend Squiggy recently gave me all the contents in her fridge. "I was going to give it to a hobo or something, but you can just have it instead." "Wow, thanks." In this care package I discovered a nice big tupperware full of what looked like very sick mince. I frowned at it, but Squiggy assured me that, although it looked strange and was cooked by a German, it tasted really good." Well, she was wrong. I invited my friend Kenny over to share the German mince with me at our sewing club. I spruced it up with a little tomato sauce and various other condiments (apparently NAZI's don't believe in seasoning).It still looked pretty sick, but we ate it anyway.Thinking everything would be fine I went to bed with a full stomach, feeling satisfied, only to be woken in the dead of the night with blinding tummy cramps and violent diarrhoea. Nothing unusual for me though. The best part was when I went to visit Kenny the next day and she was dying in her bed of dehydration and had been up all night and day with the very violent runs. She was very weak. But it was quite funny.Please refer to "Oops you crapped your pants" to learn the consequences of food poisoning.

To be continued...