you should've bought a squirrel...: A comprehensive guide to all that is crap: Part 2

G: Geriatric Drivers

Wow, old people who drive can suck on monkey ball hairs. Their licences should be removed from their possession before they reach 60. Everybody knows that once you reach 60 you become a person of poor judgement, weak motor skills, little (or no) hearing ability, and of course, partially blind. Not to mention inconsiderate of other drivers on the road. Combine all of these lovely, timeless traits and you have a recipe for disaster and hit and runs. I got flipped off the other day by a grandpa driving a damn nice Volvo, who stole my parking space. He was clearly the one in the wrong, but, when I hooted in dismay at his old ass, he actually zapped me. It was so bloody rude I didn't know what to do. I just cried and drove away. Although it was rude, I suppose that when I am old, I will be just as rude. I actually can't wait to crash into young and inexperienced drivers and then claim insanity and Alzheimers when they try to press charges. I suppose I will flip people off as much as I like, because I am old, and because I can. Bitch.

Would you trust this man at the wheel? I think not...

H: Hair removal

Hair removal of any kind is crap. Try the hair removal cream, you smell like you've just emerged from a sulphur experiment and your hair merely breaks off for weeks, leaving your underwear looking like a wig. (it doesn't disappear, as they falsely claim, and so you tend to find it in the most bizarre places that you didn't expect) Try an epilator, and you are left with burn marks and a fear of anything battery powered. Try waxing and, well. The end is near. I went for a wax the other day, and halfway through making irrelevant small talk with the beautician about various other downstairs' that she waxed she pointed out to me "Um, you're reacting really badly to this treatment". "Oh, am I? Maybe it's because you just ripped out all of my pubic hair with hot wax?" What the beautician called a "mild reaction" turned out to be a very embarassing trip to the chemist, where on the way I tried to rub up against just about every sharp object I could find to ease the never ending itch that had seized my downstairs.(eg. chair backs, corners of tables, sharp wall corners, my car door, etc)

If Oprah doesn't trust it, neither should you...

I: Ill-mannered service staff

I'm sorry, but if you are providing a service to someone, you should actually provide them with a service. And not a motive for murder. I, myself, am an ex-waitress, and so I deeply appreciate waitrons and treat all of them with the utmost respect. I visited a restaurant a couple years ago where the waiter brought me ribs, when I clearly ordered steak. "Um, I didn't order ribs, I ordered the steak." "No you didn't, you ordered the ribs, I heard you." "Um, no, I really didn't, I don't even like ribs." "Well, you ordered them, so now you can eat them." "Excuse me? Can I please speak to your manager?" *Manager comes over, we complain, and he calls back waiter* "I apologise for bringing you the wrong meal." "That's ok, thank you for apologising." "But you seriously ordered the ribs, I don't care what you say." "Ok......" Not going back there again. Say goodbye to your 10%, asshole. You can go to hell, and take your damn ribs with you.

J: Just about everything sold at Verimark

Verimark, the home of every crap thing in the universe. I don't know how much crapper you can really get than "the genie bra" or "the floor wiz" or "the fake hair piece that even your husband won't notice". Verimark hosts a range of contradicting products. For example, we have: "Gorilla steering wheel lock, NOTHING cuts through Gorilla" vs. "Shogun knives, cuts through ANYTHING!!" Really? Does it now? What about your famous "Gorilla steering wheel lock? Hey? I thought that was resistant to anything? Including your Shogun knives. Now what? Imagine there was a sudden influx of cars with gorilla gear locks which had been cut through by Shogun knives? What would you do then, Verimark? I suppose you would find yourself in somewhat of a pickle. Not only are their products contradictory and crap, so is their packaging. A friend of mine worked for them as a graphic designer and he said that whenever he tried to design some cool packaging for a product, a superior would say, "No, I don't like it, it needs more lumo pink and eighties font. Change it." He said it was the worst job ever.

K: Karaoke

Wow. There is nothing I hate more in this world than karaoke. I have never felt more embarassed or uncomfortable, than with a mike in my one hand and my drink in the other. Karaoke is basically the source of the majority of my shortcomings in life. It is the reason I was kicked out of a "chinese men ONLY karaoke club", it was the reason why I threw up on a parking meter, and it was also the reason why my boyfriend swallowed a chicken wing whole, without chewing and recognizing a bone in the meat, and nearly choking to death. One night after a hot date with Kyle, I was feeling quite pissed, and so decided to call up Diana and Nats and arrange a second hot date for the evening. I told Kyle to come meet up with us later at Terrace. Little did I know, it was karaoke night, and I was feeling bold. I don't remember much of the night, but unfortunately there is photographic evidence of the ordeal.Kyle has claimed that, when he came to meet up with us, our trio was seen singing "If you wanna be my lover" by the Spice Girls, where Nats and Diana both have microphones, and I was singing loudly and proudly into my Hunters Dry bottle. Without even knowing that it was a drink. And not, in fact, a broken microphone. He told me that he left quietly and went home instead...

L: Left over coffee/ wine in cups/ glasses whilst washing dishes

You know when you decide to tackle that load of dishes. No fear, just grease. You set out with such good intentions, get all that crockery squeaky clean and be able to see your reflection in the wine glasses. Well, your job is made impossible when every Tom, Dick and Harry decides to leave half of his wine/ coffee in his glass/ cup. Nice one, asshole. Could you really not have finished that? Thank you for making my life a misery. I can't just toss it into the water carelessly, now can I? So what do I do? Do I trundle outside and toss out the stagnant liquid into my garden when it could've gone into your mouth? Or do I contaminate all of my other dishes with your liquid filth? My day is ruined. There are starving kids in Africa, so come on now, finish your bloody drink so that I may avoid a heart attack due to stress.

M: My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding

Gypsies are pretty crap. Have you ever watched "My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding"? Bloody hell it is an international crisis in the making!! I'm not sure how it works...I always thought Gypsies were free spirits called "travellers". I thought I liked the idea of being a "traveller" once, until I was met with the horrific reality that is the life of a gypsy. It turns out that Gypsies are more than just "travellers" of land. They are travellers of much, much more. Apparently gypsies live in an irrelevant time where crushed velvet, tattoo chokers, and LED-lit wedding dresses are the height of fashion. Lord save us from the Gypsies. It is not the brides on "My big fat Gypsy wedding" who are my primary concern, I am more worried about the prepubescent gypsy child-whores who dance around like a more crazed version of Britney Spears in the "I'm a slave 4 U" music video. On tik. We have something to worry about if these so called "travellers" are to interbreed. Many things to worry about in fact. Like the tragic epidemic that the gypsies call "bridesmaid dresses". By Jove. If, by some Godforsaken reason I were to ever befriend a Gypsy, I think that I would very hastily de-friend that Gypsy very quickly if I were a bridesmaid. Please see below: