A comprehensive guide to all that is crap: Part 3

N: Nicki Minaj

• I don't quite know how I feel about Nicki Minaj. But I do know that she is stark raving mad. I don't understand the phenomenon of her at all. She dresses like a transvestite lunatic who lives in a cage that is suspended from the ceiling of a dance club, she "sings" like a 15 year old boy who has been sucking Helium from balloons at his little cousins birthday party. And the lyrics of her songs? They don't make any sense at all.
• Exhibit A: An extract from her song "Wuchoo know":

"It was a quarter passed 3 when I ran into rell

Didn't forget my keys cause my name ring bells

A lil white tee some addidas with the shells

Tun in the coup oh! shoot broke a nail

Let me let me think what I gotta gotta do

Should I get the black or the chrome 22

And if a bird try to get out of the cage

I bitch down new york times front page

I went to starbucks I wanted to get a frapo

Then had a snapple apple with the capo

That's fendi but that's irrelivent

Threw him a couple benjies now I'm da president

And I'm nicki and nicki so picky

Slick like ricky flow be so icky

Class is finished you'll be home bout 3

So all ya rap bitches what ya'll know bout me"

Just what the hell is going on there?! Nothing makes sense! Bloody hell it's like being stuck in the mind of a garden gnome on Tik. What is she going on about "That's fendi but that's irrelevant"? The whole bloody song is irrelevant!

• Exhibit B: Evidence of her madness:

 

O: Over sharing

• Everyone always has that friend that goes one step too far. And then Boom! You now know all about the connection between their anal fungus and that guy with Pink eye who sits at the back of the lecture hall muttering madly to himself. We do not want to know why you are sitting on a donut pillow. Nor do we want to know why you have developed a mysterious bald patch on the back of your head. We also don't want to know why you have a big black bag and a shovel with dried blood on it in the boot of your car. Just keep to yourself please.

P: Pub toilets

• I don't know what it is about pub toilets, but I have yet to find one where I would actually sit on the toilet seat. I can fully understand the state of toilets in night clubs, because people tend to get shit faced and throw up in the sink. Who can blame them? There's always a queue. But it's worse when the toilets are bad in a pub, because they serve food there! Surely there's a code of health which pubs need to adhere to to even be open? I don't know. I used to love pub grub. I really did. Particularly the pizza's they used to make at my old favourite haunt "Terrace". I loved them right up until the day I attended said pub on a busy night and I was sober. And I saw someone throw up in the pizza oven. True story. So I stopped eating there. I also stopped going there completely when I went to the toilet, busting for the loo, and was met by a girl taking a poo with the door wide open, and wiping her bottom with her hand. Not to mention the cleaning lady who was throwing up in the sink. When interviewed later the cleaning lady said "Eish, it was too much. I have seen some crazy things in these bathrooms, but this was just the worst. I could not keep my food down." I almost felt like I needed to call the police, or at least alert campus security. What kind of place had this turned into? 

Q: Queues

• Queues are so crap. Queues anywhere and everywhere are crap. Queues in Government institutions are the worst. There is always some asshole standing so closely behind you that you can feel his kneecaps digging into your hamstrings. And you can feel yourself catching whatever chest infection they may have because you are now breathing the same air. And there is always someone who farts in a queue. The worst is that you can't exclaim loudly and run dramatically from the room holding your nose, because then you will lose your place and have to go through the entire process all over again. Queues in bathrooms are also bad. Especially queues in places where everybody in the line has the potential to throw up on your back. I don't like it.

R: Rhythm method of contraception

• I don't care what any Catholic says. The rhythm method clearly does not work. Obviously, because you have 8 unplanned children.
• Please see the following extract from Wikipedia on the rhythm method of contraception:

"Failure rate:

One concern related to the use of calendar-based methods is their relatively high failure rate, compared to other methods of birth control. Even when used perfectly, calendar-based methods, especially the rhythm method, result in a high pregnancy rate among couples intending to avoid pregnancy. Of commonly known methods of birth control, only the cervical cap and contraceptive sponge have comparably high failure rates. This lower level of reliability of calendar-based methods is because their formulas make several assumptions that are not always true"

So there you have it. The only method that is more crap than the rhythm method is the cervical cap and the contraceptive sponge (whatever the hell that is). That's good to know.