South Africa: FAQ

This blog is dedicated to all the ignorant foreigners(ok, mainly Americans) who wish to travel to South Africa,expecting to see the big five at the drop of a hat and are surprised when there are no lions roaming the uncivilised "cities". If you are not an ignorant foreigner and have never asked any of these ridiculous questions then you have no need to feel mortified.

Please note: these are actual questions that I have been asked. If you have ever come across any gems, please do comment...


1. Are there white people in South Africa?


There is a simple answer to this, you simple minded racist American who has no passport and no idea about history outside of your own country (which takes up more space than it's worth): Yes, there are white people in South Africa. The British colonised this country, and, in doing so, brought their whiteness to the black South African soil. No, the whites have not died out in South Africa and are still very much alive. In fact, a white person is answering your question right now! Imagine that...

2. Is apartheid still in effect in South Africa?


No, you half wit. Take your finger out of your bum and read the news once in a while. If apartheid was still in effect you would not be allowed to come to our fabulous country because you're a self righteous, hypocritical prick who can frown on apartheid but can't admit that you gave your very own negro slave a good thrashing with your "foreign and exotic" ostrich leather belt (which,ironically,was made at the hands of another slave).


3. Will I be murdered in South Africa?


If that is your attitude, do not come here. If you look at every South African like they're a murderer you might actually convince them. And wind up getting yourself killed. In which case your fears were spot on, so you win, I guess. But then you'll be dead so you can't brag about it. The jokes on you. Ha.


4. Are there lions and other dangerous predators roaming the streets?


Yes and no. There are no lions in the streets. Although I have spotted a few predators. These come in the form of petty thieves and policemen who troll the streets looking for cars parked the right way,the wrong way,on the pavement,in a tree etc. When they find you, they will fine you. They seem to think it is better to keep crime down on the streets in the form of issuing speeding and parking fines rather than saving that victim of a violent mugging that occurred because said victim was walking around with an extravagant camera hanging around their neck (that's you, by the way) But no, the only "wild" animals roaming the streets are dogs with rabies and pompous tourists who've had one too many.

5. Can I carry my camera around my neck?


No. See above for reason.


6. What are the usual prices etc for meals, drinks, etc.?


Drinks: depending on where you go, ranging from between R5 and R50.
 R5 drinks may be found at any student gathering where the bartender is so drunk he accepts your bottle caps as a currency and there is a lady on the floor with no pants on who is feasting on people's shoelaces.
The drinks get more expensive the closer you get to civilization. Head to an area such as camps bay and you could be expected to pay anywhere between R40 and R500 for a drink that barely moistens your mouth and leaves you with a bitter after taste as well as an empty pocket.
Food: feast on red meat and biltong while you can, poor city dweller! The price of meat in South Africa is far cheaper when compared to your sorry town which considers 15 minutes enough time for a good steak to mature. Shame shame shame. That's the only important thing to know I suppose, otherwise the price of food is all relevant to how much you eat, really. So, if you're fat, bring lots of money for food. If you're thin, bring little money for food...that's how it works anyway isn't it?


7. What should I pack in the way of clothing?


Erm....clothes. Are you always this dumb when you travel? Surely you consider driving to work "travelling"? What do you do then? Fret about what outfit to where on the road and then end up wearing nothing because you had too many options and couldn't choose? Shame.
How about bulking up on your geography and look at the weather situation over here. In summer it's hot. Very hot. Depending on where you are, summer in South Africa ranges between extreme perspiration and melt-your-face-off. When it is winter it is proportionately cold. Except in durban. But everywhere else in South Africa can expect a bone chilling and Himalayan "yetty" socks kind of cold. So dress accordingly.


8. How will I get around and what transport is available?


Well, you can hire a car, but then you must be a capable driver who is prepared to drive on the right side of the road and dice with just about every CY driver out there. If you doubt your ability (which you should, South Africans don't drive, they race) then I don't know what to recommend. Taxi's are frightening and you have a greater chance of losing your life (and your belongings) in one of those than twisting your ankle in a child's ball pond. (The chances of that are nominal by the way). Buses are only starting to get their shit together now, and the train is affordable but scary if you're alone.
I would recommend the good old fashioned foot. (If you have one, although two are recommended).


9. Will I get HIV/AIDS if I travel to South Africa?


Why do you ask? Do you get stupid if you walk into a room full of people with low IQ's?
Unless you like to dabble in some "slap 'n tickle" with hobo's or banging everything that hip thrusts in your direction then you're pretty safe.
You're actually probably most susceptible to TB and other diseases that attack people with low immune systems. I would recommend a strong vaccination against stupidity and ignorance and plenty of book reading to decrease your likelihood of doing anything ridiculous.


I hope all of your questions were answered. If you have anything more worth asking, do not contact me. Look it up, you ignorant swine.